Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day



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Just A Juggalo

A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat. "Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"
"They're for my juggling act," the man says.

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.

"Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."





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Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day



Indecision 2008 RNC Coverage We report the facts even before they're true at Indecision2008.com.


Who Let The Blondes Out?

How many blondes does it take to milk a cow? Five - one to hold the udder, and four to lift and the cow up and down.




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Date: Fri, 5 Sep 2008 00:46:10 -0700

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Stop Halloween From Spooking Your Dog

Can Dogs Predict Storms?

5 Must-see Dog Parks

Do Dogs Dream?

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Date: Tue, 2 Sep 2008 23:45:11 -0600




Terri Rimmer,
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Exploring GOD Group

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Great Doctor


Let me tell you about my doctor. He is really good. If you tell
him you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again.

He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for 3 years before he realized that
she was Chinese.


Another time he gave a patient 6 months to live. At the end of
the 6 months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another 6 months.

While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said,
"Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he is invisible. The Doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."


Another time a man came running into his office and yelled, "Doctor, Doctor, my son
just swallowed a roll of film." The Doctor calmly replied, "Lets, just wait and see what
develops."


One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory
problem." The Doctor asked, when did it start? The man replied, "When did what start?"


I remember one time I told my Doctor I had a ringing in my ears.
His advice: "Don't answer it."


Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor
simply said, "Go sit down over there. I'll deal with you later.

When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to
those two places.


You know, Doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a
half for an appointment. Then he says, "I wish you had come in to see me sooner."

Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day



Miss The Roast of Bob Saget? Watch uncensored and exclusive clips on comedycentral.com now!


Get it Straight

A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, "Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!"

Judus Asparagus


For all of us that love kids and Jesus, this will never get
old...

Judus Asparagus


A child was told to write a book report on the entire
Bible. This is
amazing and brought tears to my eyes. I wonder how often we
take for granted
that children understand what we are
teaching???

Through the eyes of a child.
Children's Bible in a Nutshell.


JUDAS ASPARAGUS

In the
beginning , which occurred near the start, there was
nothing but God,
darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God
is one, but I
think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said,
'Give me a light!'
and someone did. Then God made the world.


He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but

they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam
and
Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the

Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they

didn't have cars.
Adam
and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as
he Was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for
Methuselah, who
lived to be like a million or something.


One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good
guy,
but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put
his
family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him,
but
they said they would have to take a rain check.


After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
Jacob was more
famous than His brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his
birthmark in
exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who
wore a really
loud sports coat.


Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was

Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the

evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues

included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights

every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top ten Commandments. These

include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh,

yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy
mother.

One of Moses'
best helpers was Joshua who was the first
Bible guy to use spies. Joshua
fought the battle of Geritol and the fence
fell over on the
town.

After Joshua came
David. He got to be king by killing a giant
with a slingshot. He had a
son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
porcupines. My teacher
says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to
me.


After Solomon there were a bunch of
major league prophets. One
of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big
whale and then barfed upon
the shore. There were also some minor
league prophets, but I guess we don't
have to worry about
them.

After the Old
Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the
star of The New Testament. He
was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had
been born in a barn, too,
because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the
door! Were you born in a
barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of
fact, I was.')


During His life, Jesus had many
arguments with sinners like
the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus
also had twelve opossums. The worst
one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so
evil that they named a terrible
vegetable after him.


Jesus was a great man. He healed many
leopards and even
preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans
and all those
guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't
stick up for
Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.


Anyway's, Jesus died for our sins, then came
back to life
again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the
Aluminum. His
return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day



Bob Saget Roast Premieres Aug 17th 10/9c Watch exclusive previews from Comedy Central's Roast of Bob Saget.


Blond Father

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"




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Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day



Bob Saget Roast Premieres Aug 17th 10/9c Watch exclusive previews from Comedy Central's Roast of Bob Saget.


Stoopid Baby Names

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?" The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."
The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,

"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."

The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

Need Fast Cash - Selling Dresser, Fort Worth, TX:
Brown dresser with nine drawers and two doors, two-piece. Second piece is three mirrors connected together. Takes up almost an entire wall in my bedroom. TCU area. Very heavy. Asking $100.00.
Must have own transport/labor to transfer it. Cash only, please.

Desperate For Money! Please Buy My E Book (And yes, I have a job)

I published an e book on booklocker.com under the family heading called "MacKenzie's Hope" about my experiences as a birth mom.

Here's the link:

http://www.booklocker.com/books/2040.html

Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day



Twice the Brutality, One Night of Reality Tune in July 17 at 10p/9c for the premiere of The Gong Show with Dave Attell and Reality Bites Back, hosted by Michael Ian Black.


The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

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Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day



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Kitty & Lady Find L-O-V-E

One day, a fairy visits a lonely widow and says that she is there to give her three wishes.

''I wish I was 21 and beautiful!'' The wish is instantly granted.

''I wish I had a million dollars!'' The wish is granted.

''I wish that my cat here were the most handsome guy in the world and was madly in love with me.'' The wish is granted. The now young lady and her man go inside. They start to cuddle, and the man looks at her.

''Aren't you upset that you had me fixed?''



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