THE SPOILED UNDER-40 CROWD!!!
If you are 40 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning....Uphill...barefoot...BOTH ways YADDA YADDA YADDA
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that..... I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
There were no MP3' s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause - that's how we rolled, dig?
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO REMOTES!!!
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!
Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Subject: Comedy Central's All New Joke of the Day!
Blonde
The Blonde Flight Attendant
An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Blonde
The Blonde Flight Attendant
An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Subject: blonde moments
>
> Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
> double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
> contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been
> completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
> Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
> automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy
> had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
> themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only
> silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never
> called back. Guess I won that stupid argument. I bet he felt like an
> idiot.
>
>
>
>
> Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
> double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
> contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been
> completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
> Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
> automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy
> had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
> themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only
> silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never
> called back. Guess I won that stupid argument. I bet he felt like an
> idiot.
>
>
>
New Family for the Parrot
A housewife buys a parrot to keep her company during the day.
The clerk warns that the parrot was donated by a brothel, where he may have picked up some colorful language.
The housewife doesn't mind and brings the parrot home. When she uncovers the cage, the parrot says, "Brawkk! New Madam. Hello Madam."
When her three daughters come home from school, the parrot says, "Brawkk! New Girls. Hello Girls."
Finally, her husband, Phil, comes home from work, just in time for dinner.
When he walks past the parrot, the parrot says, "Brawkk! Hi Phil!"
A housewife buys a parrot to keep her company during the day.
The clerk warns that the parrot was donated by a brothel, where he may have picked up some colorful language.
The housewife doesn't mind and brings the parrot home. When she uncovers the cage, the parrot says, "Brawkk! New Madam. Hello Madam."
When her three daughters come home from school, the parrot says, "Brawkk! New Girls. Hello Girls."
Finally, her husband, Phil, comes home from work, just in time for dinner.
When he walks past the parrot, the parrot says, "Brawkk! Hi Phil!"
Monday, December 08, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar
Date: Wed, 17 Dec 1997 15:29:33 -0500
Dec. 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray-paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
Dec. 2 Have Morman Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
Dec. 3 Using candlewick and hand-gilded pine cones, fashion cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
Dec. 4 Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so that they're all ready to be mailed at the moment death occurs.
Dec. 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
Dec. 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
Dec. 7 Debug Windows 97.
Dec. 10 Finish needlepoint colostomy bag cozy.
Dec. 11 Buy some cockroaches from the less fortunate; decorate eggs.
Dec. 12 Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with nitrogen.
Dec. 13 Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
Dec. 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
Dec. 15 Replace air in minivan tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at the mall.
Dec. 17 Childproof the Christmas tree with garlands of razor wire.
Dec. 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
Dec. 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg white and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
Dec. 21 Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers.
Dec. 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank.
Dec. 23 Seed clouds for White Christmas.
Dec. 24 Do my annual good deed: Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last-minute Christmas shopping, thus making people feel less inadequate than they really are.
Dec. 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
Dec. 26 Write and mail Christmas thank-yous. Order cards for next Christmas. Estimate number of cards needed by allowing for making new friends and actuarially appropriate death rates for current friends and relatives.
Dec. 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
Dec. 29 Enter Style Invitational; win.
Dec. 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
Jan. 1 1998 Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 1998.
Date: Wed, 17 Dec 1997 15:29:33 -0500
Dec. 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray-paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
Dec. 2 Have Morman Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
Dec. 3 Using candlewick and hand-gilded pine cones, fashion cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
Dec. 4 Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so that they're all ready to be mailed at the moment death occurs.
Dec. 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
Dec. 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
Dec. 7 Debug Windows 97.
Dec. 10 Finish needlepoint colostomy bag cozy.
Dec. 11 Buy some cockroaches from the less fortunate; decorate eggs.
Dec. 12 Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with nitrogen.
Dec. 13 Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
Dec. 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
Dec. 15 Replace air in minivan tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at the mall.
Dec. 17 Childproof the Christmas tree with garlands of razor wire.
Dec. 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
Dec. 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg white and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
Dec. 21 Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers.
Dec. 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank.
Dec. 23 Seed clouds for White Christmas.
Dec. 24 Do my annual good deed: Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last-minute Christmas shopping, thus making people feel less inadequate than they really are.
Dec. 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
Dec. 26 Write and mail Christmas thank-yous. Order cards for next Christmas. Estimate number of cards needed by allowing for making new friends and actuarially appropriate death rates for current friends and relatives.
Dec. 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
Dec. 29 Enter Style Invitational; win.
Dec. 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
Jan. 1 1998 Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 1998.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Monday, September 08, 2008
Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day
Comedy Central Games -- Get Your Game On Play massive amounts of games FREE online, anytime.
Just A Juggalo
A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat. "Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"
"They're for my juggling act," the man says.
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.
"Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."
Love it? Spread the laughter. Hate it? Think you can do better?
Comedy Central Games -- Get Your Game On Play massive amounts of games FREE online, anytime.
Just A Juggalo
A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat. "Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"
"They're for my juggling act," the man says.
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.
"Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."
Love it? Spread the laughter. Hate it? Think you can do better?
Saturday, September 06, 2008
Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day
Indecision 2008 RNC Coverage We report the facts even before they're true at Indecision2008.com.
Who Let The Blondes Out?
How many blondes does it take to milk a cow? Five - one to hold the udder, and four to lift and the cow up and down.
Love it? Spread the laughter. Hate it? Think you can do better?
Indecision 2008 RNC Coverage We report the facts even before they're true at Indecision2008.com.
Who Let The Blondes Out?
How many blondes does it take to milk a cow? Five - one to hold the udder, and four to lift and the cow up and down.
Love it? Spread the laughter. Hate it? Think you can do better?
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Great Doctor
Let me tell you about my doctor. He is really good. If you tell
him you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again.
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for 3 years before he realized that
she was Chinese.
Another time he gave a patient 6 months to live. At the end of
the 6 months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another 6 months.
While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said,
"Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he is invisible. The Doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
Another time a man came running into his office and yelled, "Doctor, Doctor, my son
just swallowed a roll of film." The Doctor calmly replied, "Lets, just wait and see what
develops."
One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory
problem." The Doctor asked, when did it start? The man replied, "When did what start?"
I remember one time I told my Doctor I had a ringing in my ears.
His advice: "Don't answer it."
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor
simply said, "Go sit down over there. I'll deal with you later.
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to
those two places.
You know, Doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a
half for an appointment. Then he says, "I wish you had come in to see me sooner."
Let me tell you about my doctor. He is really good. If you tell
him you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again.
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for 3 years before he realized that
she was Chinese.
Another time he gave a patient 6 months to live. At the end of
the 6 months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another 6 months.
While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said,
"Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he is invisible. The Doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
Another time a man came running into his office and yelled, "Doctor, Doctor, my son
just swallowed a roll of film." The Doctor calmly replied, "Lets, just wait and see what
develops."
One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory
problem." The Doctor asked, when did it start? The man replied, "When did what start?"
I remember one time I told my Doctor I had a ringing in my ears.
His advice: "Don't answer it."
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor
simply said, "Go sit down over there. I'll deal with you later.
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to
those two places.
You know, Doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a
half for an appointment. Then he says, "I wish you had come in to see me sooner."
Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day
Miss The Roast of Bob Saget? Watch uncensored and exclusive clips on comedycentral.com now!
Get it Straight
A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, "Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!"
Miss The Roast of Bob Saget? Watch uncensored and exclusive clips on comedycentral.com now!
Get it Straight
A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, "Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!"
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Judus Asparagus
For all of us that love kids and Jesus, this will never get
old...
Judus Asparagus
A child was told to write a book report on the entire
Bible. This is
amazing and brought tears to my eyes. I wonder how often we
take for granted
that children understand what we are
teaching???
Through the eyes of a child.
Children's Bible in a Nutshell.
JUDAS ASPARAGUS
In the
beginning , which occurred near the start, there was
nothing but God,
darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God
is one, but I
think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said,
'Give me a light!'
and someone did. Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but
they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam
and
Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the
Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they
didn't have cars.
Adam
and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as
he Was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for
Methuselah, who
lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good
guy,
but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put
his
family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him,
but
they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
Jacob was more
famous than His brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his
birthmark in
exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who
wore a really
loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was
Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the
evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues
included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights
every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top ten Commandments. These
include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh,
yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy
mother.
One of Moses'
best helpers was Joshua who was the first
Bible guy to use spies. Joshua
fought the battle of Geritol and the fence
fell over on the
town.
After Joshua came
David. He got to be king by killing a giant
with a slingshot. He had a
son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
porcupines. My teacher
says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to
me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of
major league prophets. One
of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big
whale and then barfed upon
the shore. There were also some minor
league prophets, but I guess we don't
have to worry about
them.
After the Old
Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the
star of The New Testament. He
was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had
been born in a barn, too,
because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the
door! Were you born in a
barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of
fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many
arguments with sinners like
the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus
also had twelve opossums. The worst
one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so
evil that they named a terrible
vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many
leopards and even
preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans
and all those
guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't
stick up for
Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyway's, Jesus died for our sins, then came
back to life
again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the
Aluminum. His
return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
For all of us that love kids and Jesus, this will never get
old...
Judus Asparagus
A child was told to write a book report on the entire
Bible. This is
amazing and brought tears to my eyes. I wonder how often we
take for granted
that children understand what we are
teaching???
Through the eyes of a child.
Children's Bible in a Nutshell.
JUDAS ASPARAGUS
In the
beginning , which occurred near the start, there was
nothing but God,
darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God
is one, but I
think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said,
'Give me a light!'
and someone did. Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but
they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam
and
Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the
Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they
didn't have cars.
Adam
and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as
he Was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for
Methuselah, who
lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good
guy,
but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put
his
family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him,
but
they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
Jacob was more
famous than His brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his
birthmark in
exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who
wore a really
loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was
Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the
evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues
included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights
every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top ten Commandments. These
include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh,
yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy
mother.
One of Moses'
best helpers was Joshua who was the first
Bible guy to use spies. Joshua
fought the battle of Geritol and the fence
fell over on the
town.
After Joshua came
David. He got to be king by killing a giant
with a slingshot. He had a
son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
porcupines. My teacher
says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to
me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of
major league prophets. One
of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big
whale and then barfed upon
the shore. There were also some minor
league prophets, but I guess we don't
have to worry about
them.
After the Old
Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the
star of The New Testament. He
was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had
been born in a barn, too,
because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the
door! Were you born in a
barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of
fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many
arguments with sinners like
the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus
also had twelve opossums. The worst
one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so
evil that they named a terrible
vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many
leopards and even
preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans
and all those
guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't
stick up for
Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyway's, Jesus died for our sins, then came
back to life
again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the
Aluminum. His
return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day
Bob Saget Roast Premieres Aug 17th 10/9c Watch exclusive previews from Comedy Central's Roast of Bob Saget.
Blond Father
A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"
Love it? Spread the laughter. Hate it? Think you can do better?
Bob Saget Roast Premieres Aug 17th 10/9c Watch exclusive previews from Comedy Central's Roast of Bob Saget.
Blond Father
A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"
Love it? Spread the laughter. Hate it? Think you can do better?
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day
Bob Saget Roast Premieres Aug 17th 10/9c Watch exclusive previews from Comedy Central's Roast of Bob Saget.
Stoopid Baby Names
A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?" The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."
The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,
"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."
The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."
The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."
Bob Saget Roast Premieres Aug 17th 10/9c Watch exclusive previews from Comedy Central's Roast of Bob Saget.
Stoopid Baby Names
A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?" The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."
The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,
"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."
The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."
The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day
Twice the Brutality, One Night of Reality Tune in July 17 at 10p/9c for the premiere of The Gong Show with Dave Attell and Reality Bites Back, hosted by Michael Ian Black.
The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
Twice the Brutality, One Night of Reality Tune in July 17 at 10p/9c for the premiere of The Gong Show with Dave Attell and Reality Bites Back, hosted by Michael Ian Black.
The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
Friday, July 04, 2008
Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day
Full Episodes of The Daily Show and Colbert Watch now! Watch full episodes of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report — high quality, full screen and totally free!
Kitty & Lady Find L-O-V-E
One day, a fairy visits a lonely widow and says that she is there to give her three wishes.
''I wish I was 21 and beautiful!'' The wish is instantly granted.
''I wish I had a million dollars!'' The wish is granted.
''I wish that my cat here were the most handsome guy in the world and was madly in love with me.'' The wish is granted. The now young lady and her man go inside. They start to cuddle, and the man looks at her.
''Aren't you upset that you had me fixed?''
Love it? Spread the laughter. Hate it? Think you can do better?
Full Episodes of The Daily Show and Colbert Watch now! Watch full episodes of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report — high quality, full screen and totally free!
Kitty & Lady Find L-O-V-E
One day, a fairy visits a lonely widow and says that she is there to give her three wishes.
''I wish I was 21 and beautiful!'' The wish is instantly granted.
''I wish I had a million dollars!'' The wish is granted.
''I wish that my cat here were the most handsome guy in the world and was madly in love with me.'' The wish is granted. The now young lady and her man go inside. They start to cuddle, and the man looks at her.
''Aren't you upset that you had me fixed?''
Love it? Spread the laughter. Hate it? Think you can do better?
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day
Full Episodes of The Daily Show and Colbert Watch now! Watch full episodes of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report — high quality, full screen and totally free!
Who Is God?
A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" "Both son. God is both."
After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both son, both."
"Daddy, does God love children?"
"Yes son, he loves all children."
The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"
Love it? Spread the laughter. Hate it? Think you can do better?
Payin' The Bills
Ninja Gaiden II.
Click Here to Download Demo.
Full Episodes of The Daily Show and Colbert Watch now! Watch full episodes of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report — high quality, full screen and totally free!
Who Is God?
A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" "Both son. God is both."
After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both son, both."
"Daddy, does God love children?"
"Yes son, he loves all children."
The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"
Love it? Spread the laughter. Hate it? Think you can do better?
Payin' The Bills
Ninja Gaiden II.
Click Here to Download Demo.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day
Elephant Time
A young man is wandering around the zoo looking at the animals. He suddenly remembers about an appointment that he scheduled. Unfortunately, he forgot his watch. He searches for someone who could give him the time. He sees a zoo keeper standing next to an elephant. "Excuse me, sir," says the young man "Do you know what time it is?"
The zoo keeper reaches under the elephant, grabs his balls and starts playing with them.
"Mmmmm, it is about 3:00," the zoo keeper responds.
The young man looks at him in awe, "How did you know that?" The zoo keeper looks back at the man, "I looked at the clock on the wall right behind you."
Elephant Time
A young man is wandering around the zoo looking at the animals. He suddenly remembers about an appointment that he scheduled. Unfortunately, he forgot his watch. He searches for someone who could give him the time. He sees a zoo keeper standing next to an elephant. "Excuse me, sir," says the young man "Do you know what time it is?"
The zoo keeper reaches under the elephant, grabs his balls and starts playing with them.
"Mmmmm, it is about 3:00," the zoo keeper responds.
The young man looks at him in awe, "How did you know that?" The zoo keeper looks back at the man, "I looked at the clock on the wall right behind you."
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