Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day NewsletterDate: 28 Dec 2006 05:08:38 -0800
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Panda Bear A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant. A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law. The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear." It says, ''Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.''




Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019

Happy 3 years, hunny. Wish you were here.

Date: 28 Dec 2006 05:08:38 -0800
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Panda Bear A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant. A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law. The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear." It says, ''Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.''




Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019Copyright © 1995 - 2006 Comedy Central. All rights reserved.

Foster kidsLost And Foundhttp://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/12/14/60minutes/main2269159.shtmlCBS News Online

• > "If for an instant God were to forget that I am rag> doll and gifted me> with a piece of life I would> value things, not for> their worth but for what they mean. I would dreammore.> > I would walk when others hold back. If God were togive me a piece of life, I would dress simply,> throw myself face first into the sun, baring not> only my body but also my soul. My God, if I had aheart, I would write my hate on ice, and> wait for the sun to show. Over the stars I would> paint with a Van Gogh dream a Benedetti poem, and aSerrat song would be the serenade I'd> offer to the moon. > My God, if I had a piece of life...I wouldn't let a> single day pass> without telling the people I love that I love them.> I would show men how very wrong they> are to think that> they cease to be in love when they grow old, not> knowing that they grow> old when they cease to love! To a child I shall give> wings, but I shall> let him learn to fly on this own. I would teach the> old that death does> not come with old age, but with forgetting. So much> have I learned from> you, oh men...> > I have learned that everyone wants to live on the> peak of the mountain,> without knowing that real happiness is in how it is> scaled. I have> learned that when a newborn child squeezes for the> first time with his> tiny fist his father's finger, he has him trapped> forever. I have> learned that a man has the right to look down on> another only when he> has to help the other get to his feet. From you I> have learned so many> things, but in truth they won't be of much use, for> when I keep them> within this suitcase, unhappily shall I be dying."> > ~ ~ ~

Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day NewsletterDate: 14 Dec 2006 05:08:42 -0800
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Shirts Off A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot annouces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing. The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed. So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Here you go, you crazy bitch, iron this."




Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019Copyright © 1995 - 2006 Comedy Central. All rights reserved.

December 9, 2006

Dear McKenna,

Time for your annual Christmas letter.

I’m sitting here half-watching Jim Carrey’s version of “How The Grinch Stole Christmas,” which I’ve seen before. It came out the Christmas you were only four months old.

I get pictures of you and hear all about your school activities and after-school fun – cheerleading and, until recently, ballet and karate.

I read an article recently about adoption, about a couple who added a final addition to their family after having two kids of their own. They feel very blessed as do your adoptive parents.

Every time I see a full moon or a “whole moon” as you call them, I think of you even more. I’ve been seeing a lot of them the past week.

I can’t believe you’re now 6 years old.

There are so many things I can’t wait to see you experience – your 16th birthday, high school graduation, your wedding. Sometimes I imagine what you will look like then, be like; etc.

Now I have flipped over to “The Polar Express,” some of which I’ve seen. There are so many cool kid movies that have come out during your childhood.

I hope you did get to see “Happy Feet” yesterday, which you were so excited about seeing at the IMAX Theatre.

I am so thankful for you and for Vicki and Larry, your adoptive parents. They have given you an extraordinary life.

I could have wished on every twinkling star in the sky and I couldn’t have wished for more special parents for you.

Your expression and animations remind me a lot of my niece Jessica when she was little. She’s now 31 and has two kids of her own.

Every day I count my blessings and the miracle that is you. Among my many blessings are you and your adoptive parents.

You also have the advantage of having a big brother. Yeah, he teases you sometimes but he loves you.
You know what I think is really great? The fact that your adoptive mom Vicki teaches you and Bryant the spirit of volunteerism regarding other kids.

That is such a precious gift. So many people don’t have that.

Your spirit is shining through in all your pictures, emails I get from Vicki, and our visits. It carries me through the day and there is not a day that I wake up that I don’t think of you, wondering what you’re doing, what type of happiness you are experiencing today, and about the joy you bring to so many people.

You started bringing such love to people the minute you were born.

I hope you have a great Santa holiday.

I love you,


Terri

Story: Eat for Life: Stew of spice-of-life variety
Stew
Eat for Life: Stew of spice-of-life variety
09:46 AM CST on Tuesday, December 5, 2006By JILL WENDHOLT SILVA McClatchy Newspapers
Just the thing for a chilly December night, this pork stew includes roasted vegetables and nutrient-packed spices. " height=119 alt="TAMMY LJUNGBLAD/Kansas City Star" src="http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/img/v3/12-05-2006.nh_05eat.GO021I0DR.1.jpg" width=175>
TAMMY LJUNGBLAD/Kansas City Star Just the thing for a chilly December night, this pork stew includes roasted vegetables and nutrient-packed spices.
Blank is the spice of life.
Fill in the blank with cloves, oregano, ginger, cinnamon, turmeric, basil, mustard seed, curry powder, paprika, chili powder, parsley or black pepper.
When it comes to health-promoting antioxidants in foods, culinary herbs and spices rank at or near the top of the list.
A study published recently in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition found the 12 spices listed above outranked the more widely touted antioxidant benefits of blueberries, dark chocolate and red wine.
This Curried Pork and Roasted Vegetable Stew is a seasonal dish that takes its cues from several of these heavy hitters.
Curry powder is a potent blend of up to 20 herbs, spices and seeds such as cloves, cinnamon, cumin, turmeric and black pepper.
Curries get their traditional yellow color from turmeric. The spice also contains curcumin, an antioxidant that may fend off heart disease and cancer.
P! aprika i s made by grinding sweet red pepper pods into a powder. Chili peppers are rich sources of vitamins A, C and E, folic acid and potassium.
The Romans used cumin as a culinary flavoring and a medicine. Modern scientists are studying it for its possible antioxidant and anti-cancer benefits.
Each of these spices plays well with sweet potatoes and squash, two nutrient-dense vegetables that are, coincidentally, also loaded with powerful antioxidants, especially beta carotene, a plant pigment that may help prevent certain cancers and ward off macular degeneration, an age-related deterioration of the eye.
Serving tips: This thick stew would be great served in a bowl, or it could be served over hot, steamed brown rice or in a crusty bread bowl.
You can also make these roasted vegetables and serve as a side dish any night of the week.
CURRIED PORK AND ROASTED VEGETABLE STEW
2
teaspoons olive oil, divided
1
large sweet onion, chopped
3
cloves garlic, minced
3/4
pound lean boneless pork loin, cut into ¾ -inch cubes
2
carrots, sliced
1
teaspoon ground cumin
1
teaspoon curry powder
½
teaspoon ground turmeric
½
teaspoon pepper, divided
¼
teaspoon salt
1
(14.5-ounce) can reduced-sodium chicken broth
1
large sweet potato, peeled and cut into 1-inch cubes
2
cups peeled acorn squash, cut into 1-inch cubes
½
teaspoon paprika
< class="dwsmodule">
1
tablespoon cornstarch
2
tablespoons cold water
Preheat oven to 425 F. Heat a large, heavy skillet over medium-high heat. Add 1 teaspoon oil and swirl to coat pan. Add onion, garlic and pork. Cook, stirring frequently, until onion is translucent and pork is browned. Stir in carrots, cumin, curry powder, turmeric, 1/4 teaspoon pepper and salt. Cook, stirring, about 30 seconds or until spices are aromatic. Stir in broth. Cover, reduce heat and simmer 25 minutes.
Place sweet potato and squash cubes in zip-top plastic food bag. Add remaining 1 teaspoon oil and shake to coat evenly. Add remaining 1/4 teaspoon pepper and paprika. Shake to coat evenly. Spread on baking sheet. Bake 20 minutes or until golden, stirring halfway through cooking time. Stir roasted vegetables into stew. Cover and simmer 5 to 10 minutes or until vegetables are tender.
Increase heat to medium. Stir cornstarch into cold water, blending until completely dissolved. Stir cornstarch mixture into stew. Cook, stirring, until thickened and bubbly. Makes 4 to 6 servings.
PER SERVING: Calories 261 (19% fat)
Fat 6 g (1 g sat) Cholesterol 55 mg Sodium 412 mg Fiber 6 g
Carbohydrates 29 g Protein 25 g
SOURCE: Kansas City Star

Snow DaysA heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town. When the children returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively. "I sure did, teacher," one little girl replied. "I just prayed for more snow."

Story: Home-baked gifts in minutes
Home-baked gifts
Home-baked gifts in minutes
01:39 PM CST on Monday, December 4, 2006Alicia Ross with Beverly Mills
Teacher gifts, quick hostess gifts to go, neighborhood hello. This time of year we find ourselves needing a small gift to give almost daily. There's nothing better than a gift of food to say "Thank you," "I'm thinking of you" or "You're special."
While we'd love to spend hours baking elaborate treats for all of the special people in our lives, reality just doesn't allow that kind of time. But with today's recipe, we can still give home-baked goodies without toiling for hours in the kitchen.

Wrap these delectable little treats in decorative cellophane bags and tie them with a sparkly ribbon. Think of these cookies as a "quick-and-easy baklava" and add a cute bear-shaped bottle of honey to the package. Look for the piecrusts on sale for an extra budget bonus.
ALSO ONLINE
More food gifts to make
In less than 20 minutes, your kitchen will be filled ! with the aroma of Sugary Pastry Crisps, and you'll be turning out gifts aplenty. Be sure to bake an extra batch to keep at home.
Write to Desperation Dinners, c/o United Media, 200 Madison Ave., New York, NY 10016 or e-mail bev-alicia@desperation dinners.com.
SUGARY PASTRY CRISPS
2
(9-inch) unbaked refrigerated piecrusts (see Note)
3
tablespoons light or dark brown sugar, firmly packed
1
teaspoon ground cinnamon
¼
cup pecans or walnuts (pieces are fine)
¼
cup honey, for serving
Preheat the oven to 450 F.
Follow the microwave directions on the piecrust box to bring the crusts to room temperature and roll out each crust flat.
Place one piecrust on an ungreased cookie sheet or pizza pan. Repair any cracks or tears with wet fingers, pinching the dough back together. Crumble the brown sugar evenly over the entire crust. Sprinkle the cinnamon evenly over the sugar. Finely chop the nuts, and sprinkle them evenly over the crust.
Place the second piecrust over the first, and press down firmly with a flat hand. Press the edges of the two crusts together with your fingertips.
Bake the cookie until it is light brown, about 11 minutes. Slice the cookie into 12 trian! gle-shap ed wedges with a pizza cutter or knife. Serve warm, or allow to cool before packaging.
To serve: Place the slices on a serving plate, and drizzle the honey evenly over the top.
To package: Cool completely and place in decorative cellophane or zipper-top bags. Tie with ribbon, if desired.
Makes 12 cookies.
Note: For testing purposes, we used Pillsbury Refrigerated Pie Crusts.
Per cookie: Calories 212 (47% from fat)
Fat 11 g (4 g saturated) Cholesterol 7 mg
Sodium 135 mg Fiber trace
Carbohydrates 27 g Protein 2 g

Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day NewsletterDate: 1 Dec 2006 05:08:33 -0800
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Country Politics A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."




Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019Copyright © 1995 - 2006 Comedy Central. All rights reserved.