Judus Asparagus


For all of us that love kids and Jesus, this will never get
old...

Judus Asparagus


A child was told to write a book report on the entire
Bible. This is
amazing and brought tears to my eyes. I wonder how often we
take for granted
that children understand what we are
teaching???

Through the eyes of a child.
Children's Bible in a Nutshell.


JUDAS ASPARAGUS

In the
beginning , which occurred near the start, there was
nothing but God,
darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God
is one, but I
think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said,
'Give me a light!'
and someone did. Then God made the world.


He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but

they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam
and
Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the

Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they

didn't have cars.
Adam
and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as
he Was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for
Methuselah, who
lived to be like a million or something.


One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good
guy,
but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put
his
family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him,
but
they said they would have to take a rain check.


After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
Jacob was more
famous than His brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his
birthmark in
exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who
wore a really
loud sports coat.


Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was

Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the

evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues

included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights

every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top ten Commandments. These

include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh,

yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy
mother.

One of Moses'
best helpers was Joshua who was the first
Bible guy to use spies. Joshua
fought the battle of Geritol and the fence
fell over on the
town.

After Joshua came
David. He got to be king by killing a giant
with a slingshot. He had a
son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
porcupines. My teacher
says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to
me.


After Solomon there were a bunch of
major league prophets. One
of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big
whale and then barfed upon
the shore. There were also some minor
league prophets, but I guess we don't
have to worry about
them.

After the Old
Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the
star of The New Testament. He
was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had
been born in a barn, too,
because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the
door! Were you born in a
barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of
fact, I was.')


During His life, Jesus had many
arguments with sinners like
the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus
also had twelve opossums. The worst
one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so
evil that they named a terrible
vegetable after him.


Jesus was a great man. He healed many
leopards and even
preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans
and all those
guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't
stick up for
Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.


Anyway's, Jesus died for our sins, then came
back to life
again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the
Aluminum. His
return is foretold in the book of Revolution.