The right name for bonus mom pays dividends

06:24 PM CST on Wednesday, December 10, 2008

By JANN BLACKSTONE-FORD and SHARYL JUPE

Bonus parents often ask us for alternative names for "Mom" or "Dad," and we always suggest that bonus families put their heads together and come up with a special name that means something to them as a family. A reader sent us a great story for how they did just that, and in the interest of "peace on Earth, good will toward everyone," we thought we would pass it on.

Question: My fiancé and I went on a beach trip 10 months into dating. He has one child who was 5 at the time. During the trip she started calling me "Mom." I assumed it was because we were filling mom-daughter roles while on vacation.

In the mornings I cooked breakfast and woke her up to eat. Afterward I helped her dress and made her brush her teeth. I was with her all through the day, and then at night I tucked her in and we stayed in the same room. I think this routine for the week we were vacationing became comfortable and she felt comfortable calling me Mom. My fiancé and I didn't correct her, but it continued.

Three months later at Halloween the child's bio-mom dropped her by so we could see her all dressed up for Halloween. While taking a picture with her bio-mom, she called out, "Now I want to take a picture with my other mom." It didn't go over well. I definitely understood her feelings, however, and was content choosing an alternate name, but what?

We struggled to find a suitable name. I didn't want to be "Mommy Joyce" because that's still calling me Mom -- and bio-mom didn't like that. I'm not her aunt or grandma, so the suggestions of Auntie or Nana seemed odd to me. We were getting increasingly irritated that we even had to deal with this issue, but I knew it was important.

About a month later my fiancé looked over at me and said, "What about Mare? Mare [pronounced Ma-Ray] means "ocean" in Italian. She first called you Mom when we were at the beach; it only seems appropriate." The name and the meaning behind it touched me, and I told him it was even better than being called Mom!

The name has gone over very well, and although I hear the occasional "Mom" that makes my heart flutter, we continue to gently encourage the use of my special name.

Answer: This is exactly what we mean when we say find a special name that means something to your family -- it doesn't have to be a variation of Mom or Dad, just something special to you. The reader reports that Mom was very grateful for their attempt to find another name and has just invited her to a "get to know each other" lunch. What better situation for a child than to be brought up witnessing her caregivers openly respect one another.

Ex-Etiquette is written by Jann Blackstone-Ford, Psy.D., and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe. Reach them at ee@bonusfamilies.com.