Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day Newsletter
Date: 22 Jul 2007 05:09:28 -0700






Tight Skirt, Bus Stop

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."











Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019
Copyright © 1995 - 2006 Comedy Central. All rights reserved.

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In-Laws and Out-Laws

What's the difference between out-laws, and in-laws?

Out-laws are wanted.










Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019
Copyright © 1995 - 2006 Comedy Central. All rights reserved.

Paraplegic

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who...
1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn't run away from her
3) would be good in bed.
Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"











Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019
Copyright © 1995 - 2006 Comedy Central. All rights reserved.

In August Glamour

Click here to see the page on Glamour.com: http://origin.www.glamour.com/news/articles/2007/07/lunchdate

Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day Newsletter
Date: 13 Jul 2007 05:09:24 -0700






The Firing Squad

A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad for his crimes. The evening before his execution, he was asked what he wanted for his last meal. He refused the meal completely.
The next morning the man was brought before the firing squad. When asked for his last request, the man said he had none. The General in charge of his execution asked him, ''Sir, you refused your last meal and your last request. Isn't there anything you want before you die?''

The man thought for a moment, then said, ''Music has always been an important part of my life. If I could do but one thing before I die, would you allow me to sing my favorite song from beginning to end, without interruption?''

The General thought this was a reasonable request, and ordered his men to lower their weapons and to not interrupt for the duration of the song.

''Ten million bottles of beer on the wall...''











Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019
Copyright © 1995 - 2006 Comedy Central. All rights reserved.

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Editor's Note

Many of the authors we work with at AuthorHouse want to publish their work because they have a strong desire to share their stories with others. These are writers who have overcome obstacles, learned from their own history and want to offer a message of hope to those who may be searching in a time of need. With today's constant media coverage of death, war and conflict, writers trying to plant seeds of hope for the next generation cannot be taken for granted.

One particularly inspiring story of hope is that of Lori Lober, featured in this month's Author Corner. Lober was diagnosed with stage-four cancer, but now, seven years later there is no evidence of the disease in her body. With a strong desire to share her story with other cancer patients, Lober has published the journal she kept while undergoing treatment. She is not only a source of inspiration for those in dire health, but for anyone who aspires to share their personal message of hope.

Enjoy this issue!

Kind regards,

Erica Dorocke (vip@authorhouse.com)
Editor

In This Issue:
Lori Lober turned her stage-four cancer diagnosis into a story of hope.
Author Corner >>
___________________________________

Finding the best words in your writing may require a new form.
Writing Feature >>
___________________________________

Attracting readers to your Web site requires carefully chosen content.
Marketing Feature >>
___________________________________

AuthorHouse named official book publishing resource partner for the largest organization of business and personal coaches in the world.
AuthorHouse News >>



Author Corner

Author Transforms Cancer Diagnosis into a Source of Hope

Many writers keep a journal so they can constantly capture those fleeting ideas that arrive in moments of inspiration, whether it is in the midst of a summer thunderstorm or in the moments of surreal silence before we drift off to sleep. Lori Lober, though she'd tell you she's not a "writer," started keeping a journal when she was originally diagnosed with stage-four cancer. Seven years later, Lober has repeatedly received a "no evidence of disease" diagnosis and continues to live each day with a desire to plant the seeds of hope in patients who face an advanced stage cancer diagnosis.

Read more >>



Marketing Feature

Creating Effective Content for Your Web Site

Once you've handled the logistics of setting up a Web site and established a visible Web presence for your book, you'll need to choose content to feature on your site. Attracting readers to your Web site--and keeping them coming back--requires a coordinated effort to make your site fast, convenient and packed with information that is useful, specific and regularly updated.

Read more >>



Writing Feature

Playing Around With Your Words

The dreaded "writer's block" can strike at any time. It tends to surface when writers start on a new topic or get bogged down trying to conform to a particular expectation or structure. Sometimes all it takes to get the creative juices flowing again is experimentation in a new form or genre, which allows you to play around with your style and word selection and return to your work with fresh ideas and a new perspective.

Read more >>



AuthorHouse News

AuthorHouse Named ICF Book Publishing Partner

AuthorHouse was named the official resource partner for book publishing for the International Coach Federation in a joint announcement made by Bryan S. Smith, president and CEO of AuthorHouse and Gary E. Boyler, executive director of the ICF.

The International Coach Federation is the largest worldwide resource for business and personal coaches, and the source for those who are seeking a coach. ICF has more than 12,000 members in 81 countries around the world.

"Publishing a book is one of the methods our members can utilize to build their coaching practice," Boyler said. "By partnering with AuthorHouse, ICF provides its membership with the means to publish, promote and distribute books worldwide, which will contribute in substantial measure to the global coaching body of knowledge."

Read more >>
What's New at AuthorHouse

Congratulations to Award-Winning Authors


Barbara and Jon Hall's Adam's Eve won the Silver Award in the ForeWord Magazine Book of the Year awards. Adam's Eve explores our culture's shifting gender roles and provides knowledge for making important decisions within this transition.


Jacqueline Miconi's Celebrate...Italian Style was a 2007 New York Book Festival runner-up for non-fiction. Dr. Debi Warner was honored by the New York Book Festival for her "how-to" book Renovation Psychology.



Conferences & Events to Attend Contests to Enter
Find inspiration and education at a writers' conference near you in 2007.
View Conferences & Events >> Ready for a challenge? Get the new year off to a great start by entering contests in 2007.
Contests to Enter >>


>Author Corner | Writing Feature | Book Marketing | AuthorHouse News | Conferences | Contests

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Family Fun Day
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/309314/family_fun_day.html

Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day Newsletter
Date: 10 Jul 2007 05:09:21 -0700






Stuttering Problem

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.
Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering."

"Ddddd octttor. Whhaaat cccan I dddo?"

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: "I dddoonnnbt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble!"



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Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019
Copyright © 1995 - 2006 Comedy Central. All rights reserved.

In the August Glamour

Click here to see the page on Glamour.com: http://origin.www.glamour.com/news/slideshows/2007/07/coworkers

The Loneliest People Preview
http://www.cbsnews.com/sections/i_video/main500251.shtml?id=2272728n
CBS News Online

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Journaling Benefits Cancer Patients and Caregivers
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/305284/journaling_benefits_cancer_patients.html

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Resources for Poor Job Hunters
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/293266/resources_for_poor_job_hunters.html

Baby Delivery
>
>Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house
>was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a
>flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the
>baby.
>
>Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
>
>Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
>
>The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
>Connor began to cry.
>
>The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed
>3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
>
>Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
>first place... smack his ass again!"

In Appreciation of One Birth Mom's Story by Kori Rodley Irons
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/78004/in_appreciation_of_one_birth_moms_story.html

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Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day Newsletter
Date: 28 Jun 2007 05:11:05 -0700






Lawyer... Genius


Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.



Payin' The Bills
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Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019
Copyright © 1995 - 2006 Comedy Central. All rights reserved.

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Salon Celebrates Birthday
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/294271/salon_celebrates_birthday.html

Adoption Book available on booklocker.com under Family heading then search under "MacKenzie's Hope."

Contact | FAQ | Publish & Sell | Getting Your Books/Ebooks | Wholesale Orders | Search | Home




Title: MacKenzie's Hope
Author: Terri Rimmer
Format: PDF (ebook)
Pages: 238


Ebook: $10.00 BUY Ebook



Category: Family
About the Book
Free Excerpt From The Book (requires Adobe Acrobat Reader)

MacKenzie's Hope is the true story of one birth mom's experience placing her child in a semi-open adoption while living in a maternity home in Fort Worth, TX. The story takes place in the year 2000 and includes a childhood background of the author/birth mom detailing her many obstacles throughout life such as alcoholism, depression, sexual and physical abuse, sex addiction, and bipolar disorder. While the story is at times tragic it is also the portrait of a woman who will not and does not give up despite what others tell her throughout her life.

The story begins when Tara, the birth mom finds out she is pregnant for the first time at the age of 34. For 14 years she did not think she was physically capable of having children so this pregnancy news was a huge shock and not happy news given the birth mom's mental and physical conditions. The birth mom is in constant conflict, which she later resolves, between society's expectations of her as a mother preparing to have a child and her own resolve to give her child the home she deserves. Tara deals continuously with guilt, shame, remorse, and regret before, during, and after her decision to place her only child for adoption, however she does come to terms with her commitment eventually after a series of painful and intense self-discoveries on her path to peace and happiness.

The book gives the reader a rare look at what it is like to make an adoption decision from the birth mom's standpoint and also includes the experiences of the adoptive parents, the birth mom's siblings, adoptive parents - families, and other adoptive children, the birth father, biological grandparents, relatives, and house parents who work in the maternity home. The story is one of rich detail and imagery captured from the eyes of the birth mom and her emotions, experiences, and memories coupled with the communications from her significant others which include a close relationship with the adoptive parents she later chooses for her child.




About the Author
Terri Rimmer has 21 years of journalism experience, having worked for ten newspapers and some magazines. In 2003 her life story was published online at Adoption Week E-Magazine's website and in 2002 she received a grant from the PEN American Writer's Fund in New York City.







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Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day Newsletter
Date: 25 Jun 2007 05:09:24 -0700






English Patient

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!



Payin' The Bills
You lock your keys in the car, get lost or break down on the side of the road. But you don't worry. Because you're smart--you get the OnStar treatment.







Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019
Copyright © 1995 - 2006 Comedy Central. All rights reserved.

SKINNY DIPPING
>>
>>An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
>>He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables,
>>horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach
>>trees.
>>The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.
>>One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and
>>look it over, as he hadn't been there in a while. He grabbed a
>>five-gallon
>>bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard
>>voices
>>shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a
>>bunch
>>of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware
>>of his
>>presence and they all went to the deep end.
>>One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
>>leave!"
>>The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
>>swim
>>naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
>>Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
>>Old men can still think fast.
>

Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2007 21:19:35 -0600



Terri Rimmer,

You just published on Associated Content! View your content here:
www.associatedcontent.com/article/285793/animal_hoarding_on_the_rise.html

Thought you'd like to see this on glamour.com

In July Glamour - Life With Cancer

Found silver jewelry Columbus Day weekend Oct. 2006 at Days Inn in Adel, Georgia. Must identify one special item in box. Have been looking for owner for over a year. Email wordtrix@hotmail.com.

Tributes to Dad by Terri Rimmer

http://www.associatedcontent.com/slideshow/541/tributes_to_dad_.html

Terri also added this note:
Father's Day Photo Tribute to my step dad

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Ultimate Summer Weekend Escapes
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/264945/ultimate_summer_weekend_escapes.html

Terri Rimmer,
I've just been published on Associated Content. Check it out:

At & T Out to Lunch Concert Series
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/268287/at_t_out_to_lunch_concert_series.html

You just published on Associated Content! View your content here:
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Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day Newsletter
Date: 28 May 2007 05:09:15 -0700






Teaching a Buncha Hooligans

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"
"I just saw one of your garters!"

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"



Payin' The Bills
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You’ll feel more connected to the game than ever before.
Experience Wii from Nintendo at wii.com








Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019
Copyright © 1995 - 2006 Comedy Central. All rights reserved.

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Texas House Bill CSSB 758: Restricting Foster Parent Eligibility Based Solely Upon Sexual Orientation
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/251099/texas_house_bill_cssb_758_restricting.html

Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day Newsletter
Date: 21 May 2007 05:09:19 -0700






Baby Talk

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "Of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"










Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019
Copyright © 1995 - 2006 Comedy Central. All rights reserved.

Subject: Fwd: COOL TIPS




I haven't tried these, but it would be nice if they really worked. Let me know if you try any of these suggestions and they work for you. Linda/Mom

Eliminate ear mites. All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear...Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.

Kills fleas instantly...Dawn dishwashing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Good-bye fleas. THIS WORKS OUR NEW PUP WAS LOADED WITH FLEA WHEN WE GOT IT..THIS DID THE TRICK

Rainy day cure for dog odor ...Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh. Did You Know that drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately-- without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional "pain relievers."

Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try c hewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. ! They'll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.

Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly-- even though the product was never been advertised for this use.

Honey remedy for skin blemishes ... Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus. Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer ... If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.

Smart splinter remover. Just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.

Hunt's tomato paste boil cure ...cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters... To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine. a powerful antiseptic.

Vinegar to heal bruises ... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief... It's not for breakfast any more! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing reli ef from arthritis pain.

If you send this to 10 people and only one of them doesn't know about this, then it was worth it.

My latest published work:

You just published on Associated Content! View your content here:
www.associatedcontent.com/article/246511/hunger_awareness_day_rally.html

Terri Rimmer,

You just published on Associated Content! View your content here:
www.associatedcontent.com/article/247748/rhode_island_daughter_organizes_cancer.html

Terrible Twos... If you opened it, you haveto do it.
Don't forgetto send it back to me too for fun!!?
Copy and paste into a new email and enter yur answers


Two Names You Go By:
1. Terri
2. The family historian (by my sister)

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Blouse
2. Khakis

Two Things You Want in a Relationship:
1. Humor
2. Intelligence

Two of Your Favorite Things to do:
1. Movies
2. Travel

Two Things You Want Very Badly At The
Moment:
1. Money
2. Losing weight

Two pets you had/have:
1. Ripley
2. Marbles

Two people who will fill this out first:
1. ?
2. ?

Two things you did last night:
1. Watch TV
2. Wrote

Two people who live at your house:?
1.
2.

Two things you ate today:
1. Cookies
2. Tacos

Two people you talked to last:?
1. Jon
2. Stephanie

Two Things You're doing tomorrow:
1. Pet sitting
2. Errands

Two longest car rides?:
1. Ga. to TX
2. Ga. to OK

Two Favorite Holidays:
1. Christmas
2. Halloween

Two favorite beverages:
1. Coke
2. Cherry Coke

I've just been published on Associated Content. Check it out:

Severe Weather in Fort Worth, TX
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/240978/severe_weather_in_fort_worth_tx.html

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Southern Womyn's Festival
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/231359/southern_womyns_festival.html

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Texas Race Week
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/215476/texas_race_week.html

Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day Newsletter
Date: 24 Apr 2007 14:40:11 -0700






Tard with a Tie

What do you call a mentally disabled person in a fancy suit?

Mr. President.

Yesterday was my birth daughter's adoption finalization anniversary. It was six years ago that they went to court.

Texas Foster Care Bill

By Terri Rimmer

The Texas House of Representatives began floor debate on HB 1, the General Appropriations Bill on March 29th that could affect whether gay people can be foster parents.

The bill is intended to be the state’s budget and not a vehicle for the writing of policy.

Equality Texas was urging all citizens to contact their state representatives two weeks ago and ask him/her to vote against any amendment which seeks to restrict or ban qualified gay and lesbian parents from serving as foster parents.

“Banning or restricting qualified families will hurt Texas children,” an Equality rep said. “17,536 children were removed from homes by the Department of Family and Protective Services (DFPS) after investigation in 2006.”

According to research, 34,275 children were under state legal custody last year and from 1999 to 2003, the number of children in foster care rose 40 percent.

DFPS projects that the number of children in foster care will increase nearly 30 percent by 2009.

The result of a ban would reduce the pool of qualified foster homes which is already insufficient to meet the need, the Equality rep wrote.

“A ban would limit resources available to family members under kinship care and could disqualify them from taking care of family members, placing even more children into an overburdened system,” she writes. “A ban or ‘preference’ system would cost Texas an estimated $8-$15 million due to increase cost of eligibility screening, costs of removing children from safe, stable, and otherwise qualified homes, increased administrative and group home costs, and costs of related litigation.”

According to Equality literature, every dollar spent enforcing a ban is a dollar that could have been spent on direct care for Texas children and their families and professional should make child placement decisions.

Several freshmen state reps were new to the House and were not present in 2005 when the House passed the Talton Amendment to SB6 by a vote of 81 to 58 banning gay and lesbian foster parents. Ten state reps voted for the amendment.

For more information, go to house.state.tx.us.

In other Equality Texas news, staff is urging citizens to support HB 247 for non-discrimination in insurance regarding sexual orientation or gender identity/expression. The American Bar Association’s policy states “State laws should prohibit insurance discrimination based on sexual orientation.”

According to an email sent out by Equality, “Transgender people throughout the state are excluded from the health insurance industry and/or denied coverage for medically necessary procedures at alarming rates.”

May Glamour

Click here to see the page on Glamour.com: http://www.glamour.com/news/articles/2007/04/curegay

Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day Newsletter
Date: 4 Apr 2007 05:10:53 -0700






Divorced and Drunk


A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks,

"Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"










Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019
Copyright © 1995 - 2006 Comedy Central. All rights reserved.

Check out tonylovestina.com

Site:

Check out Dontdatehimgirl.com

Remember the 3 Cs:
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day Newsletter
Date: 10 Mar 2007 05:08:49 -0800






Blonde and Picture

Q: Why did the blonde keep a picture of herself in her room?
A: So she could use it as a mirror.










Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019
Copyright © 1995 - 2006 Comedy Central. All rights reserved.

Kids have their own take on black history month



The~re treated to arts and crafts, performances and such at MOSH.



By ADAM AASEN

The Times-Union



The Museum of Science and History cele­brated black history on Saturday by sharing it with children durng a daylong event to help them absorb cultural history

“Its imperative to teach kids diversity and ~uiturai understanding especiallY at ~ucn a young age~’ said Jacquelvn Reese, education program coordinator at the downtown lack­sonville museum.

There were African-insoired arts and

crafts, choir performances, and an exhibit on the Tuskegee Airmen to teach black history to the children.

Volunteer Natalia Gallimore read stories based on African fables to young children.

As she read The Leopard~s Drum, a story filled with jungle animals, the kids kept inter­rupting her, asking questions about the story.

Gallimore was glad they were listening. ‘It’s really good for these kids to hear all these different views at this age, before they form their own opinions” she said.

Cindy Persico, leader of Girl Scout Troop 296 from Carver Community Center, said she took her girls to the museum to expand



MUSEUM continues on B-4















Museum:

8-year-old

liked tale of

Rosa Parks

Continued from B-i



on what they’ve been learning all month. She said she covered people such as civil rights leader Rosa Parks; Mae Jemison, who ~as the firer black woman to go into space; and talk show host Oprah Winfrey to give the girls good role models.

“For them to see strong, pow­erful women that look like them,

it’s important,” she said.

Darnetta Johnson, an 8-year-old member of Troop 296, said she liked hearing about Rosa Parks.

“She didn’t think the rules

should be that way, so she didn’t

want to get up,” Johnson said.

Other children said they think it’s important to celebrate Black History Month because they feel they owe a lot to black historical figures.

“I think we need to remember people like Martin Luther King because they died so we could have our freedom today,” said Julia Robinson, 12.

Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day Newsletter
Date: 27 Feb 2007 05:08:47 -0800






Blonde in a Boat.

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, "What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"









Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019
Copyright © 1995 - 2006 Comedy Central. All rights reserved.

Biggest, Baddest Birthday Spots in Fort Worth
Unique, no-fuss, super finds sure to impress your friends

By Angie Chang
One of the most rewarding, challenging and, let’s be honest, competitive aspects of parenting a child in Fort Worth is making sure you throw a bigger- (and most definitely better) than-the-last-kid’s birthday party for your precious prodigy. Another requisite? That it be somewhere other than your backyard. Who’s got time to clean up another mess?
We combed Tarrant County in search of unusual locales that strike a rare balance between cooler-than-thou and super easy (cheap not necessarily a factor – well, you gotta give somewhere). This list is by no means comprehensive, but it should jump start your planning engine. If you’ve got a find we should know about, e-mail (editorial@fortworthchild.com) it to us and we’ll add it to this list.
Meanwhile, send us an invite.

Note: Please call ahead for the latest information. Originally published in September 2003.

Hot Spot: The Clubhouse for “Kids” Only, Bedford
Cool Factor: Bragging rights to scaling an indoor mountain on your birthday – what kid wouldn’t want that?
High Jinks: Kids won’t know what to do first when they scramble into this sprawling playroom. The goods: a tree house, craft barn, music, computers, karaoke soundstage, a rocket ship, rock climbing, Grandma’s attic and the list rolls on. Best of all? Kids have unlimited time to explore.
Age Range: 1 to 12 years old
Sustenance: One-topping large pizzas go for $10.95 and ice cream is $1.25 per serving. No outside food or drink allowed.
Cake: And juice, too. A party attendant will cut and serve the provided cake (with complementary paper products). The attendant can also write down gifts to expedite the thank-you card process. No outside cake allowed.
Extras: Invitations can be purchased for 25 cents each and goody bags are $3.95 each. Parents can bring their own decorations for the private party room. The birthday child receives a free Clubhouse T-shirt and two free return passes.
Clean Up: Don’t even worry about it.
Price Ranges: The basic party package for 10 children is $125 (each additional child $8.50). It includes unlimited time in the Clubhouse and 45 minutes in private party room. Theme parties can be arranged at an additional cost.
Book It: Reserve a spot two to four weeks in advance for a better chance of getting your date. A $35 deposit is required and will go toward the final balance. Parties are offered during business hours 10 a.m. to 8 p.m. Tuesday through Thursday, 10 a.m. to 9 p.m. Friday and Saturday and noon to 6 p.m. Sunday.
Contact: 2200 Airport Freeway, 817/868-1800, www.clubhouseforkids.com.

Hot Spot: Legends of the Game Museum, Arlington
Cool Factor: Hit this birthday out of the park with an exclusive sneak peek into the Ballpark in Arlington.
High Jinks: Kids can inspect places in the ballpark few fans have seen before, including the press box, batting cages and the Texas Rangers’ dugout. They’ll also receive a private viewing of baseball bloopers and get some time to play interactive computer games in the Learning Center.
Age Range: 4 to 11 years old
Sustenance: It may be the ballpark, but that doesn’t mean you’re getting hotdogs. Bring your own with all the fixings (just leave the grill at home).
Cake: It would be cool to have a cake in the shape of a baseball, but unfortunately you will have to make that happen.
Extras: Invitations and goody bags included. Birthday child receives a birthday gift. A party attendant/tour guide stays with the party to help with cake serving and any other needs.
Clean Up: Parents need to pick up after the kiddos.
Price Ranges: Fifteen kids and 10 adults all get in for $200. Additional guests are $10 per child and $3 per adult. Party rooms are booked for two-hour slots.
Book It: Reserve your spot a month in advance if you can. Party times are 10 a.m. to noon, 12:30 to 2:30 p.m., and 3 to 5 p.m. Saturday; noon to 2 p.m. and 3 to 5 p.m. Sunday. A $50 deposit is required at booking and goes toward your final balance.
Contact: 1000 Ballpark Way, Suite 400, 817/273-5099.

Hot Spot: Sissy & Bubba’s, Colleyville
Cool Factor: Future heartbreakers of America doll up at a “too-cool-for-boys” party.
High Jinks: Girls receive professional updos and dabble in makeup and nail polish. Just gently remind them that more isn’t always better with blush.
Age Range: 5 to 12 years old
Sustenance: Feel free to bring snacks and drinks.
Cake: The $22.50 per child package includes cake, plates and utensils. Bring your own if you opt for the $17.50 per child package.
Extras: The $22.50 package also comes with balloons, decorations and party favor bags.
Clean Up: You and your newly minted princesses won’t have to lift a finger.
Price Ranges: $17.50 gets each child the updo, the makeup and nail polish, as well as the entire store for two hours. Pony up $22.50 per princess and get the basic package plus all the aforementioned goodies. There’s a minimum of 10 girls per party.
Book It: Call as soon as you can to set up a time. Parties are scheduled Monday through Saturday after 5 p.m. Balance is due on the day of the party.
Contact: 5604 Colleyville Blvd., Suite G, 817/577-5200.

Hot Spot: Southlake Scuba, Southlake
Cool Factor: The party’s underwater. ’Nuff said.
High Jinks: A “Bubblemakers” party introduces children to the thrill of breathing underwater. Kids get a 60-minute course in the classroom and swimming pool with full scuba gear. Parties are usually at Southlake Aquatic Center, but they can bring the party to your pool.
Age Range: 8 years and older
Sustenance: The staff will take care of snacks and drinks for an additional charge.
Cake: Bring your own or say the word and they’ll supply the cake, candles and plates. But it’ll cost you.
Extras: Invitations, party balloons, “Bubblemakers” tattoo, “Bubblemakers” log book and “Bubblemakers” water squirt toy are all included for each child.
Clean Up: The staff will clean up. It’s almost like it’s your birthday too.
Price Ranges: Each two-hour party session requires a maximum of six kids at $40 each. This includes use of full scuba equipment, pool rental and an authentic “Bubblemakers” certification card and wall certificate.
Book It: The staff would prefer notice a month in advance. A deposit of half the balance is required when making your reservation. Parents must read and sign permission forms prior to party time.
Contact: 1101 E. Northwest Parkway, Suite 114, 817/481-6066, www.southlakescuba.com.

Hot Spot: Tarantula Train
Cool Factor: Get the party in motion as you chug along in vintage 1920s coaches powered by “Puffy,” the 1896 Steam Engine #2248.
High Jinks: The birthday entourage can hang out in a roped off area in the coach, but they can’t ride incognito: An announcement will let the entire train know there’s someone special on board. The birthday child gets to blow the whistle before the train takes off. Choose from one of two round trips: The nonstop Trinity River Run or Grapevine to Stockyards and back.
Age Range: 3 to 12 years old
Sustenance: A hot dog pack with chips and a drink is provided for each child and refreshments can be purchased on the train.
Cake: No cake is allowed on the train for preservation reasons.
Extras: An attendant is available to help with the party. Parents are welcome to bring their own decorations.
Clean Up: The attendant will pick up after your group.
Price Ranges: Each child climbs aboard for $14.50 with a minimum of six children per party. Adults are $15 for Grapevine trip and $9 for Trinity.
Book It: Call to reserve your spot at least one week in advance. Parties are available every day the train is in operation. The Grapevine to Stockyards route is three hours round trip and departs from Grapevine at 10 a.m.; the returning trip is at 2:30 p.m. Wednesday through Saturday. On Sunday, the train departs Grapevine at 1 p.m. and leaves the Stockyards at 5 p.m. The Trinity River Run clocks in at an hour roundtrip and departs at 1 p.m. Wednesday through Saturday. On Sundays, the train leaves at 3:30 p.m. from the Stockyards.
Contact: The Cotton Belt Depot is at 707 S. Main St. in Grapevine and Stockyards Station is at 140 E. Exchange Ave., 817/410-3123, www.gvrr.com.

Hot Spot: Texas CowGirl Ranch, Westlake
Cool Factor: Kids will feel like the Real McCoy on this seven-acre ranch that serves up a heap of Western flair.
High Jinks: Barb “Wire” provides a crash course in the history and clothing of cowboys to set the mood for ranch-style fun. Kids can saddle up for rides on a pony or miniature horse and capture the moment with a memory photo. Explore the other parts of the ranch with games and ranch duties like hay-bale calf roping, a carrot roundup and even a horse-reining lesson. The party room is in a Texas-style hay barn that’s thumping with toe-tapping country western music.
Age Range: 3 to 8 years old
Sustenance: Wrangle in your own snacks and sodas.
Cake: You’ll need to flip for the cake, but lemonade, paper products and utensils are provided.
Extras: Invitations are available and you can pick from two different designs. Party-goers get a cowboy or cowgirl hat and a bandanna as party favors. Attendants make sure the party runs without a hitch. All of this is included in the package price.
Clean Up: Ranch hands are highly adept at these chores.
Price Ranges: A two-hour party at the ranch costs $450 for 10 kids and siblings of the birthday child get in for free. Each additional child is $40.
Book It: Party slots fill up faster than you can rope a calf, so make your reservation as soon as you pick a date. The time can be arranged to fit your schedule. A deposit of $100 is required at reservation and parents need to sign a release form on the back of the invitation.
Contact: 1559 Dove Road, 817/488-1300, www.texascowgirlranch.com.

Hot Spot: Buckaroo’s Soda Shoppe, Fort Worth
Cool Factor: Hi, ho Silver! Young cowgirls and cowboys lasso in horseback riding, clowns and cowboys at this bustling parlor smack dab in the middle of the Stockyards National Historic District.
High Jinks: Parents and cowpokes can pick from several packages to match birthday wishes: Game room where kids compete for prizes; entertainment by clowns, characters or magicians; unlimited runs through the Cowtown Cattle Pen Maze; horseback rides in Stockyards Station; and roping tricks by a cowboy pro.
Age Range: 1 to 12 years old
Sustenance: Each child receives a “Billy The Kidd” meal with choice of burger, hotdog, corny dog or grilled cheese, as well as fries, drink and a special prize. No outside food allowed.
Cake: Buckaroo’s provides a decorated vanilla cake for all parties. However, parents are allowed to bring their own cake.
Extras: Invitations are available for parents who want them. At the party, each child receives a free ice-cream cone, a ticket for the Cowtown Coliseum Rodeo and balloons. Every package includes one hour of reserved space in the Soda Shoppe, photo opportunities in the “jail” and use of the Cowboy Bucking Barrel. A gift table is included in the birthday area.
Clean Up: They’re on it.
Price Ranges: $175 to $225 based on a package for 10 kids. Each additional child is $10.25. Parents can mix and match packages for an additional cost.
Book It: Reserve your spot four weeks in advance (call for last-minute slots no later than two weeks prior). A $50 nonrefundable deposit is required at reservation and balance is due on the day of the party. Parties can be scheduled during business hours. Open 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. Monday through Thursday, 11 a.m. to 10 p.m. Friday and Saturday and 11 a.m. to 8 p.m. Sunday.
Contact: 140 E. Exchange Ave., 817/624-6631, www.risckys.com.

Hot Spot: Fort Worth Zoo, Fort Worth
Cool Factor: Hang out with the real and original party animals.
High Jinks: View a Wild Wonders live animal presentation and receive an all-day admission pass for the entire gaggle of animal lovers. Package includes two-hour use of the Education Center room where kids can play wildlife games.
Age Range: 4 to 12 years old
Sustenance: Keeping your little ones fed will be your duty.
Cake: You gotta bring that too.
Extras: A zoo souvenir pencil topped by a zoo animal stamp for every child and a Fort Worth Zoo carryall bag for the birthday child. Parents are welcome to bring their own decorations, balloons and party favors. Balloons are not allowed outside the room.
Clean Up: Yep, your responsibility as well.
Price Ranges: $180 members and $200 nonmembers. Tell your guests to bring $5 for parking. Party maximum is 30 people (children and adults).
Book It: Call three weeks before the party date. Expect to book six weeks in advance during the busy spring season. Party times are year round at 1 p.m. and 2 p.m. on Saturdays and 10 a.m. on select Sundays.
Contact: 1989 Colonial Parkway, 817/759-7200, www.fortworthzoo.org.

Hot Spot: Fort Worth Texas Ice, Fort Worth
Cool Factor: For an exclusive, invitation-only vibe, you can rent out the entire rink for an hour-long party that’s literally too cool.
High Jinks: Skating — don’t forget your socks!
Age Range: 5 years and older
Sustenance: The most expensive package includes two large cheese pizzas and pitchers of soft drinks for 10 (additional pizzas $12, extra pitchers $3). No outside food or drink allowed.
Cake: Bring your own and don’t forget the candles. Utensils and plates are provided. An attendant is available to help cut and serve.
Extras: A fully decorated party room complete with confetti, balloons and invitations. A table is set up to hold cake and gifts.
Clean Up: Do these attendants do everything? It sure seems like it.
Price Ranges: $140-$165 for up to 10 children and $14-$16.50 for each additional child. Package includes rink admission, skate rental and use of the party room for an hour. Rent out the entire rink and invite as many people as you want for $275 an hour.
Book It: Reserve a spot anywhere within three days to a week. Half of the balance is due as a deposit with reservation. Call ahead for available times.
Contact: 3600 Hwy 377 South, 817/560-9700, www.txice.com.

Hot Spot: Mountasia, North Richland Hills
Cool Factor: Good old-fashioned batting cages, video games, golf and go-karts never go out of style or adrenaline.
High Jinks: Can you say FORE? Get ready for 18 holes of miniature golf, video games, laser tag, and bumper boats and cars.
Age Range: 5 years and older
Sustenance: Give the staff 24 hours notice and they can prepare pizza and hotdogs at an additional cost from the snack bar. Ice cream and soda are included in the party package. No outside food or drinks allowed.
Cake: You’re on your own here.
Extras: A host to assist at the party, party hats, goody bags, balloons, invitations and a gift for the birthday kid all included.
Clean Up: Done for you by the staff.
Price Ranges: A party of eight ranges from $74.95 ($8.95 each additional child) for the golf and game birthday adventure to $92 ($9.95 each additional child) for laser tag. Additional activities are available at discounted rates. The private party room is yours for one hour.
Book It: Make reservations at least a week in advance. Parties are offered during regular business hours: 10 a.m. to 11 p.m. Monday through Thursday, 10 a.m. to midnight Friday and Saturday, and 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. Sunday. A $30 plus tax deposit is required on all parties at least five days before the event date.
Contact: 8851 Grapevine Highway, 817/788-0990, www.americafunplex.com.

Hot Spot: Kid Connection, Fort Worth
Cool Factor: An indoor Air Trak (inflatable mat) lets kids bounce to their hearts’ content.
High Jinks: Kids can go crazy shooting down a zip line from a tree house or hanging out in the playrooms. Choose from four themes to accent the celebration: princess, cheerleader, sports or Western.
Age Range: 18 months to 9 years old
Sustenance: No food here. Bring your own snacks and soda.
Cake: The staff can provide a homemade cake made to your specs if you don’t want to bring your own. A 1/4 sheet is $20 and a 1/2 sheet is $35.
Extras: Package includes 20 invitations, balloons for each child, candles, paper goods, juice and a keepsake picture of the birthday child. Party attendants can help with serving.
Clean Up: Staff takes care of it.
Price Ranges: Currently enrolled Kid Connection members pay $135, or $145 for nonmembers. Parties include up to 15 guests (each additional child $5). Favors can be added for $5 each.
Book It: Make your reservation a month in advance. Parties are generally offered on the weekends: 4 p.m. and 6 p.m. Friday; 2 p.m., 4 p.m. and 6 p.m. Saturday; and 2 p.m. and 4 p.m. Sunday. Other times can be scheduled. A $50 nonrefundable deposit is required with reservation and goes toward your final balance.
Contact: 6491 Southwest Blvd., 817/732-5432.

Go to cancer.org to find out how you can raise money for the American Cancer Society's annual Relay for Life in Fort Worth at Farrington Field in April.

It snowed today, Valentine's Day. It did the same thing three years ago on me and Ruben's first Valentine's together. Now I can't help but think of him as I see the snowflakes.

WORDS OF SUCCESS
To be what we are, and to become what we are capable of becoming,
is the only end in life.

--Baruch Spinoza

The first sentence is pretty powerful.
>
>God determines who walks into your life....it's up to you to decide
>who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let
>go.
>
>I need this back.
>
>If you'll do this for me, I'll do it for you....
>Father, God bless all my friends in whatever it is that You know
>they may be needing this day! And may their life be full of your
>peace, prosperity and power as they seek to have a closer
>relationship with you. Amen.
>
>Now send it on to five other people, including the one who sent it
>to you. Within hours you caused a multitude of people to pray for
>other people. Then sit back and watch the power of God work in your
>life. P S. Five is good, but more is better, who else do you know
>that needs prayer.
>
>Glenda

Keep Visitors Coming Back to Your Web Site by Animal

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/129236/keep_visitors_coming_back_to_your_web.html

The following note was also included:
Keeping visitors coming back to your website

Associated Content is the People's Media Company, a massive library of text, video and audio content published by the public for the public. Explore the library AC at www.associatedcontent.com.

Advice for Parents of Adopted Children: How My Parents Helped Me Understand My Special Place in the Family by M. M. Lyons

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/130339/advice_for_parents_of_adopted_children.html

The following note was also included:
Adoption story

Associated Content is the People's Media Company, a massive library of text, video and audio content published by the public for the public. Explore the library AC at www.associatedcontent.com.

Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day Newsletter
Date: 2 Feb 2007 05:08:57 -0800






The Four Ghosts of the White House

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away...

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight...

The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist...

Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."









Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019
Copyright © 1995 - 2006 Comedy Central. All rights reserved.

Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day Newsletter
Date: 1 Feb 2007 05:08:45 -0800






Yo Mama

Yo mama's so polite, she once held the door for a week!









Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019
Copyright © 1995 - 2006 Comedy Central. All rights reserved.

Subject: Content of the Day: January 31, 2007
Date: Wed, 31 Jan 2007 14:10:25 -0800



January 31, 2007
Have you heard? Associated Content announced the winners of the 2006 People's Media Awards today. Read them here.


A total of 17 honors were bestowed. One of the top honors went to Content Producer Barry Freiman for his article Getting HIV Isn't a Death Sentence.


Barry publicly accepts the 2006 Editorial Choice Award here:





http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/137770/editors_pick_for_top_content_of_2006.html



See all of AC's Content of the Day at http://acdailycontent.blogspot.com



ASSOCIATED CONTENT | 88 STEELE STREET |SUITE 250 |DENVER, CO 80206

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit."
~ Aristotle

Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day Newsletter
Date: 27 Jan 2007 05:08:45 -0800






Lawyer and the Skunk

What's the difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.









Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019
Copyright © 1995 - 2006 Comedy Central. All rights reserved.

Looking for female exercise buddy. I have asthma so I need someone who can be understanding as to my limitations. Fort Worth, TX.

Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day Newsletter
Date: 24 Jan 2007 05:08:37 -0800






Coffee, No Cream

A man walks into a coffee shop and places his order."I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream."The girl behind the counter says "I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"









Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019
Copyright © 1995 - 2006 Comedy Central. All rights reserved.

Four Steps to Getting Richer

From the show This Is the Year to Get Richer!

Printer-Friendly Version


Financial expert Jean Chatzky wants you to stop making excuses and get richer! She has four simple steps anyone can follow to the path of financial success.

Maximize Your Income

Set an income goal.
Ask for a raise.
Work an extra hour a week.
Learn more about making more.

Spend Less Than You Make

Pause before you purchase.
Pay bills on time.
Use a debit card.
Shop around.
Find extra money for your savings.

Invest Money You Don't Spend

Save automatically.
Earn more interest.
Build your money confidence with Jean's investment basics.

Protect Your Money

Get insurance.
Get a will.
Get an account in your name.
Learn how to better secure your future.
Inside the Show
This Week
Be on the Show
Books Seen on the Show
Audience Reservations
Oprah Show Archive
Local Listings





E-mail to a friend









Oprah, The Oprah Winfrey Show, Harpo, Make The Connection, Oprah's Book Club, Use Your Life and Live Your Best Life are registered trademarks of Harpo, Inc. Oprah's Favorite Things and Oprah & Friends are trademarks of Harpo, Inc. Oprah's Angel Network and Angel Network are registered trademarks of Oprah's Angel Network. O Girls is a trademark of Oprah's Angel Network. Oprah Winfrey Scholars and O Design are trademarks of The Oprah Winfrey Foundation. Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls, Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls South Africa and O Design are trademarks of The Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy Foundation. All rights reserved.




TM & © 2007 Harpo Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day Newsletter
Date: 18 Jan 2007 05:08:55 -0800






Yo Mama

Yo mama's so sorry she missed your birthday last week, she bought you a cake so big you gotta eat it twice to have it once!









Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019
Copyright © 1995 - 2006 Comedy Central. All rights reserved.

Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day Newsletter
Date: 17 Jan 2007 05:08:44 -0800






Girl and Dog

A little girl and her dog are walking through the forest when they suddenly fall into a pit. They scramble and scramble but can''t make their way out. The little girl yells, the dog barks, but no one is around to hear their calls for help. Slowly, the night sky turns black and they find themselves engulfed in utter darkness.

Off in the distance, the wolves begin howling. Each howl is louder and closer than the last.

The little girl holds the dog close to her chest and says sadly to the dog, "This is the worst mess in which ever have found ourselves, my darling Sparky."

"Yeah," the dog says, "we''re really screwed."

"Sparky," the girl says, astonished, "I didn''t know you could talk."

"Well," the dog says, "I was kinda waiting for the right time to tell you."









Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019
Copyright © 1995 - 2006 Comedy Central. All rights reserved.

“Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.”

Have been taking care of 11 stray outdoor cats for over a year trying to find homes for them. Need a large outdoor cat house for them to survive cold weather outdoors or need to have one built, preferably wood/waterproof for reasonable fee. Can't afford much. Live in Fort Worth, TX in TCU area.

wordtrix@Hotmail.com

Happy Birthday, hunny. You would've been 53 today. Hard to believe.

Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day NewsletterDate: 28 Dec 2006 05:08:38 -0800
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Panda Bear A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant. A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law. The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear." It says, ''Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.''




Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019

Happy 3 years, hunny. Wish you were here.

Date: 28 Dec 2006 05:08:38 -0800
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Panda Bear A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant. A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law. The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear." It says, ''Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.''




Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019Copyright © 1995 - 2006 Comedy Central. All rights reserved.

Foster kidsLost And Foundhttp://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/12/14/60minutes/main2269159.shtmlCBS News Online

• > "If for an instant God were to forget that I am rag> doll and gifted me> with a piece of life I would> value things, not for> their worth but for what they mean. I would dreammore.> > I would walk when others hold back. If God were togive me a piece of life, I would dress simply,> throw myself face first into the sun, baring not> only my body but also my soul. My God, if I had aheart, I would write my hate on ice, and> wait for the sun to show. Over the stars I would> paint with a Van Gogh dream a Benedetti poem, and aSerrat song would be the serenade I'd> offer to the moon. > My God, if I had a piece of life...I wouldn't let a> single day pass> without telling the people I love that I love them.> I would show men how very wrong they> are to think that> they cease to be in love when they grow old, not> knowing that they grow> old when they cease to love! To a child I shall give> wings, but I shall> let him learn to fly on this own. I would teach the> old that death does> not come with old age, but with forgetting. So much> have I learned from> you, oh men...> > I have learned that everyone wants to live on the> peak of the mountain,> without knowing that real happiness is in how it is> scaled. I have> learned that when a newborn child squeezes for the> first time with his> tiny fist his father's finger, he has him trapped> forever. I have> learned that a man has the right to look down on> another only when he> has to help the other get to his feet. From you I> have learned so many> things, but in truth they won't be of much use, for> when I keep them> within this suitcase, unhappily shall I be dying."> > ~ ~ ~

Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day NewsletterDate: 14 Dec 2006 05:08:42 -0800
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Shirts Off A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot annouces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing. The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed. So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Here you go, you crazy bitch, iron this."




Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019Copyright © 1995 - 2006 Comedy Central. All rights reserved.

December 9, 2006

Dear McKenna,

Time for your annual Christmas letter.

I’m sitting here half-watching Jim Carrey’s version of “How The Grinch Stole Christmas,” which I’ve seen before. It came out the Christmas you were only four months old.

I get pictures of you and hear all about your school activities and after-school fun – cheerleading and, until recently, ballet and karate.

I read an article recently about adoption, about a couple who added a final addition to their family after having two kids of their own. They feel very blessed as do your adoptive parents.

Every time I see a full moon or a “whole moon” as you call them, I think of you even more. I’ve been seeing a lot of them the past week.

I can’t believe you’re now 6 years old.

There are so many things I can’t wait to see you experience – your 16th birthday, high school graduation, your wedding. Sometimes I imagine what you will look like then, be like; etc.

Now I have flipped over to “The Polar Express,” some of which I’ve seen. There are so many cool kid movies that have come out during your childhood.

I hope you did get to see “Happy Feet” yesterday, which you were so excited about seeing at the IMAX Theatre.

I am so thankful for you and for Vicki and Larry, your adoptive parents. They have given you an extraordinary life.

I could have wished on every twinkling star in the sky and I couldn’t have wished for more special parents for you.

Your expression and animations remind me a lot of my niece Jessica when she was little. She’s now 31 and has two kids of her own.

Every day I count my blessings and the miracle that is you. Among my many blessings are you and your adoptive parents.

You also have the advantage of having a big brother. Yeah, he teases you sometimes but he loves you.
You know what I think is really great? The fact that your adoptive mom Vicki teaches you and Bryant the spirit of volunteerism regarding other kids.

That is such a precious gift. So many people don’t have that.

Your spirit is shining through in all your pictures, emails I get from Vicki, and our visits. It carries me through the day and there is not a day that I wake up that I don’t think of you, wondering what you’re doing, what type of happiness you are experiencing today, and about the joy you bring to so many people.

You started bringing such love to people the minute you were born.

I hope you have a great Santa holiday.

I love you,


Terri

Story: Eat for Life: Stew of spice-of-life variety
Stew
Eat for Life: Stew of spice-of-life variety
09:46 AM CST on Tuesday, December 5, 2006By JILL WENDHOLT SILVA McClatchy Newspapers
Just the thing for a chilly December night, this pork stew includes roasted vegetables and nutrient-packed spices. " height=119 alt="TAMMY LJUNGBLAD/Kansas City Star" src="http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/img/v3/12-05-2006.nh_05eat.GO021I0DR.1.jpg" width=175>
TAMMY LJUNGBLAD/Kansas City Star Just the thing for a chilly December night, this pork stew includes roasted vegetables and nutrient-packed spices.
Blank is the spice of life.
Fill in the blank with cloves, oregano, ginger, cinnamon, turmeric, basil, mustard seed, curry powder, paprika, chili powder, parsley or black pepper.
When it comes to health-promoting antioxidants in foods, culinary herbs and spices rank at or near the top of the list.
A study published recently in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition found the 12 spices listed above outranked the more widely touted antioxidant benefits of blueberries, dark chocolate and red wine.
This Curried Pork and Roasted Vegetable Stew is a seasonal dish that takes its cues from several of these heavy hitters.
Curry powder is a potent blend of up to 20 herbs, spices and seeds such as cloves, cinnamon, cumin, turmeric and black pepper.
Curries get their traditional yellow color from turmeric. The spice also contains curcumin, an antioxidant that may fend off heart disease and cancer.
P! aprika i s made by grinding sweet red pepper pods into a powder. Chili peppers are rich sources of vitamins A, C and E, folic acid and potassium.
The Romans used cumin as a culinary flavoring and a medicine. Modern scientists are studying it for its possible antioxidant and anti-cancer benefits.
Each of these spices plays well with sweet potatoes and squash, two nutrient-dense vegetables that are, coincidentally, also loaded with powerful antioxidants, especially beta carotene, a plant pigment that may help prevent certain cancers and ward off macular degeneration, an age-related deterioration of the eye.
Serving tips: This thick stew would be great served in a bowl, or it could be served over hot, steamed brown rice or in a crusty bread bowl.
You can also make these roasted vegetables and serve as a side dish any night of the week.
CURRIED PORK AND ROASTED VEGETABLE STEW
2
teaspoons olive oil, divided
1
large sweet onion, chopped
3
cloves garlic, minced
3/4
pound lean boneless pork loin, cut into ¾ -inch cubes
2
carrots, sliced
1
teaspoon ground cumin
1
teaspoon curry powder
½
teaspoon ground turmeric
½
teaspoon pepper, divided
¼
teaspoon salt
1
(14.5-ounce) can reduced-sodium chicken broth
1
large sweet potato, peeled and cut into 1-inch cubes
2
cups peeled acorn squash, cut into 1-inch cubes
½
teaspoon paprika
< class="dwsmodule">
1
tablespoon cornstarch
2
tablespoons cold water
Preheat oven to 425 F. Heat a large, heavy skillet over medium-high heat. Add 1 teaspoon oil and swirl to coat pan. Add onion, garlic and pork. Cook, stirring frequently, until onion is translucent and pork is browned. Stir in carrots, cumin, curry powder, turmeric, 1/4 teaspoon pepper and salt. Cook, stirring, about 30 seconds or until spices are aromatic. Stir in broth. Cover, reduce heat and simmer 25 minutes.
Place sweet potato and squash cubes in zip-top plastic food bag. Add remaining 1 teaspoon oil and shake to coat evenly. Add remaining 1/4 teaspoon pepper and paprika. Shake to coat evenly. Spread on baking sheet. Bake 20 minutes or until golden, stirring halfway through cooking time. Stir roasted vegetables into stew. Cover and simmer 5 to 10 minutes or until vegetables are tender.
Increase heat to medium. Stir cornstarch into cold water, blending until completely dissolved. Stir cornstarch mixture into stew. Cook, stirring, until thickened and bubbly. Makes 4 to 6 servings.
PER SERVING: Calories 261 (19% fat)
Fat 6 g (1 g sat) Cholesterol 55 mg Sodium 412 mg Fiber 6 g
Carbohydrates 29 g Protein 25 g
SOURCE: Kansas City Star

Snow DaysA heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town. When the children returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively. "I sure did, teacher," one little girl replied. "I just prayed for more snow."

Story: Home-baked gifts in minutes
Home-baked gifts
Home-baked gifts in minutes
01:39 PM CST on Monday, December 4, 2006Alicia Ross with Beverly Mills
Teacher gifts, quick hostess gifts to go, neighborhood hello. This time of year we find ourselves needing a small gift to give almost daily. There's nothing better than a gift of food to say "Thank you," "I'm thinking of you" or "You're special."
While we'd love to spend hours baking elaborate treats for all of the special people in our lives, reality just doesn't allow that kind of time. But with today's recipe, we can still give home-baked goodies without toiling for hours in the kitchen.

Wrap these delectable little treats in decorative cellophane bags and tie them with a sparkly ribbon. Think of these cookies as a "quick-and-easy baklava" and add a cute bear-shaped bottle of honey to the package. Look for the piecrusts on sale for an extra budget bonus.
ALSO ONLINE
More food gifts to make
In less than 20 minutes, your kitchen will be filled ! with the aroma of Sugary Pastry Crisps, and you'll be turning out gifts aplenty. Be sure to bake an extra batch to keep at home.
Write to Desperation Dinners, c/o United Media, 200 Madison Ave., New York, NY 10016 or e-mail bev-alicia@desperation dinners.com.
SUGARY PASTRY CRISPS
2
(9-inch) unbaked refrigerated piecrusts (see Note)
3
tablespoons light or dark brown sugar, firmly packed
1
teaspoon ground cinnamon
¼
cup pecans or walnuts (pieces are fine)
¼
cup honey, for serving
Preheat the oven to 450 F.
Follow the microwave directions on the piecrust box to bring the crusts to room temperature and roll out each crust flat.
Place one piecrust on an ungreased cookie sheet or pizza pan. Repair any cracks or tears with wet fingers, pinching the dough back together. Crumble the brown sugar evenly over the entire crust. Sprinkle the cinnamon evenly over the sugar. Finely chop the nuts, and sprinkle them evenly over the crust.
Place the second piecrust over the first, and press down firmly with a flat hand. Press the edges of the two crusts together with your fingertips.
Bake the cookie until it is light brown, about 11 minutes. Slice the cookie into 12 trian! gle-shap ed wedges with a pizza cutter or knife. Serve warm, or allow to cool before packaging.
To serve: Place the slices on a serving plate, and drizzle the honey evenly over the top.
To package: Cool completely and place in decorative cellophane or zipper-top bags. Tie with ribbon, if desired.
Makes 12 cookies.
Note: For testing purposes, we used Pillsbury Refrigerated Pie Crusts.
Per cookie: Calories 212 (47% from fat)
Fat 11 g (4 g saturated) Cholesterol 7 mg
Sodium 135 mg Fiber trace
Carbohydrates 27 g Protein 2 g

Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day NewsletterDate: 1 Dec 2006 05:08:33 -0800
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Country Politics A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."




Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019Copyright © 1995 - 2006 Comedy Central. All rights reserved.

Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day NewsletterDate: 22 Nov 2006 05:08:31 -0800
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Harvard Graduate How do you get a Harvard graduate off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.




Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019Copyright © 1995 - 2006 Comedy Central. All rights reserved.

Some vets turning to alternative treatments for ailing pets
07:31 AM CST on Monday, November 20, 2006Associated Press
SAN FRANCISCO - When Ann Day's dog had a stroke in July, one side of his face became paralyzed so severely he couldn't blink. She knew she needed to do something before the 13-year-old pug, Jimmy, lost his eye to infection.
"I was open to anything that would help," Dey said.
At Pets Unlimited, a nonprofit animal hospital that was opening the city's first all-holistic veterinary medical clinic on Monday, Jimmy received acupuncture for a month. Now, his face is fine.
As alternative approaches like acupuncture and herbal remedies have moved further into the mainstream for humans, veterinarians have made those same techniques increasingly available for pets.
Animal care officials say pet owners have been convinced by their own positive experiences that their pets should also enjoy the benefits of alternative techniques.
"Seeing is believing," said Sally Wortman, Pets Unlimited's hospital administrator, standing near a row of scented candles on the new clinic's reception desk.
A Japanese fountain, soft lights and walls painted in soothing tones of sage, ochre and salmon augment the calming atmosphere of the clinic, which is one floor down from the city's only 24-hour-a-day emergency room for pets.
The renovations have a therapeutic effect on pets, Wortman said, but added that it was just as important to create a setting where owners also feel relaxed.
"The practitioner can only help the animal through the person," she said.
Still, the push for the new treatments -- also known as holistic or complementary medicine -- has not come so much from vets, whose medical training is still steeped in the rigors of the Western scientific tradition.
"It's been more consumer-driven," said Joe O'Hehir, executive director of Pets Unlimited.
Marilyn Chartrand of Alameda is one of those consumers.
"I do holist! ic thing s for my body. So I thought, how exciting that they're doing this for animals," said Chartrand, who adopted a cat from Pets Unlimited.
Chartrand said she treats her cat with aromatherapy when she gets sick, offering her different scents to inhale. "She knows which ones her system needs," Chartrand said.
That holistic medicine for animals would catch on in San Francisco, which also ushered in the no-kill movement in animal shelters in the 1990s, comes as little surprise. But the field is catching on among veterinarians across the country.
The Maryland-based American Holistic Veterinary Medical Association claims more than 800 members from Florida to Alaska. Chartrand learned about an alternative treatment called therapeutic touch from her sister, a veterinarian who uses the technique on horses in Kansas.
Still, despite broadening acceptance, alternative medicine for animals faces continued skepticism. The American Veterinary Medical Association said in recent guidelines on alternative medical techniques for animals that the organization is "open to their consideration."
But it stressed that the quality of research into different methods varies, saying some practices "may differ from current scientific knowledge."
Beth Schneider, an animal acupuncturist for Pets Unlimited, said one positive experience with alternative techniques can be enough to convince doubters.
"They see how beneficial it is to the animal," she said. "And they want to start going to acupuncturists themselves."

The art beat . . .Robin Williams has a connection to the 100-plus towering cast-iron figures that have taken up residency in Grant Park.
• • He's a sponsor: The comedy legend and his wife, Marsha, are big fans of Polish sculptor Magdalena Abakanowicz, and they ponied up more than $25,000 to help bring her Agora sculpture to Chicago.

Subject: Comedy Central's Joke of the Day NewsletterDate: 10 Nov 2006 05:08:33 -0800
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A cannibal was walking through the jungle A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
Broiled Missionary: $ 10.00Fried Explorer: $ 15.00Baked Politician: $ 100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"
The waiter replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?"
Payin' The BillsFOR YOUR CONSIDERATION (it?s a movie)From the director of Waiting for Guffman, Best in Show and A Mighty WindIn some theaters November 17th ? check the interweb




Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019Copyright © 1995 - 2006 Comedy Central. All rights reserved.

Dog-friendly restaurants======================================================================Officials: Dallas restaurants should be more dog-friendly06:54 PM CST on Thursday, November 2, 2006By DAVE LEVINTHAL / The Dallas Morning News Officials: Dallas restaurants should be more dog-friendly06:54 PM CST on Thursday, November 2, 2006By DAVE LEVINTHAL / The Dallas Morning News You and your dog may be unwitting outlaws: Sipping coffee at an outdoor cafe with Spot or Sparky is against state health regulations. But some Dallas restaurants ignore the rules at their own peril -- if only to satisfy what they say is overwhelming customer demand to dine with their pooches. Others want desperately to welcome pets on their patios but turn them away, afraid of attracting fines. Noting the dilemma, Dallas city officials are quietly crafting a system to skirt state law and allow pet-friendly food establishments to open their decks to both two- and four-legged customers. "The pets are like children. They don't do any harm," said Tammy Greenberg, a Knox-Henderson neighborhood resident who runs a pet-sitting service. "Taking them to a restaurant and sitting outside brings happiness to everyone." Cafe Toulouse, a cozy Knox Street bistro that would fit equally well on a Parisian boulevard, has long welcomed dogs onto its porch. They rarely, if ever, cause problems, interim manager Josh Holcombe said. "We get so many customers from the Katy Trail who are walking their dogs and want to visit us," Mr. Holcombe said. "Dogs are part of the family." Especially north of downtown. Dallas' Uptowners, notably urban and urbane, are apt to adopt a European-style esprit de corps while dwelling in closely quartered condominium high-rises and posh apartment complexes. That includes dogs. Dogs everywhere. Some condominium managers estimate nearly half of their residents own at least one. Stroll through Cole Park or up an Uptown sidewalk and run a gantlet of wagging tails. Looking at variances Though state health regulations explicitly outlaw nonservice animals on restaurant patios, they also empower local jurisdictions, such as Dallas city government, to grant variances, said Doug McBride, spokesman for the Texas Department of State Health Services. City Attorney Tom Perkins said his office is researching the issue and plans to brief the council on it next month or early next year. In order for Dallas to begin granting state regulation variances, the council must first vote to amend city ordinances, Mr. Perkins explained, adding that the variances could only apply to outdoor areas, not indoor dining rooms. Tell Us Pooches on the patio? Where are the dog-friendly restaurants in Dallas? For council member Angela Hunt, whose District 14 includes much of Uptown, the change is a "simple quality-of-life issue, another way to appeal to residents in the area that this is a fun, vibrant community." Ms. Hunt said she regularly receives e-mails and phone calls from constituents questioning why Dallas, which has long sought to position itself as a "world-class city," hasn't instituted more pro-pet policies that are mere political afterthoughts in many Eurasian and even East Coast population centers. Progress of this sort takes time. Dallas is a city that only last decade began developing off-leash dog parks, which today are wildly popular with pet owners. The city continues to struggle with other animal-related issues, namely coping with the thousands of stray dogs and feral cats, especially in Dallas' southern sector. Seeing a demand But Mark Maguire, who owns Maguire's Uptown Restaurant and Bar on Cedar Springs Road, said Dallas would be wise to end the pets-on-patios prohibition, if only because it makes business sense. "We'd have an immediate demand. There's no doubt in my mind that business would increase," said Mr. Maguire, whose restaurant features a large outdoor deck. He said he's tempted simply to ignore state regulations but hasn't done so. "In the restaurant industry, people vote with their wallets," Mr. Maguire said. "A lot of pet owners would vote for pet-friendly restaurants." One of them is Uptown resident Toi Villarreal, who said she can't understand why her collie, Leila, and border collie mix, Trixie, can't join her and her husband for a quiet Uptown dinner out -- without fear of breaking state rules. Health concerns about dogs are overblown, she said, and pigeons, mice and an inordinate amount of unsavory critters already find their way onto restaurant patios. As it is, Ms. Villarreal said she frequents restaurants that cater to pets. "We want to stay and maybe have a bottle of wine, instead of having to rush home and walk the dogs," she said. "People have limited time. If you want to create an urban environment, you need to be forward-thinking on simple issues like this." That Dallas is even exploring granting pet-on-patios variances is a positive sign, said April Prohafka, who owns The Pooch Patio, an Oak Lawn dog-services center that also features a beer and wine bar for dog owners. Ms. Prohafka says she hopes to franchise her concept, and new locations could include food service if Dallas changes its laws. "Dallas has always been very conservative, but we're now expanding ourselves," she said. "We're starting to look at what our demographics are in the Oak Lawn/Uptown area, and we're listening to them." E-mail dlevinthal@dallasnews.com

Fun Things to Do at a Drive-Thru 1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order. 2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for. 3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands. 4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight. 5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels. 6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in. 7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on. 8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup. 9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box. 10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on. 11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, "May I take your order?" 12. When asked if they can take your order say, "Why, can I take yours?" 13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you. 14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away. 15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom. 16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it. 17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene. 18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it. 19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare. 20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.




Comedy Central Daily Joke, 1775 Broadway, NY, NY 10019Copyright © 1995 - 2006 Comedy Central. All rights reserved.